>>12269252>You grabbed up your snackJust make it "grabbed your snack". The up isn't needed.
>kind of shy but they’ll warm up sooner or later.Add a comma between shy and but.
>>12269325>You feel disgusted, and your tone shows it.>“No thank you and I am NOT a minotaur.”The dialouge was made in greentext when it should be in black text. Remove the first part, or at least change it to Anon covering moonlight's mouth.
>>12269369>“Thank you, Moonlight. It means a lot to me. But could you not say that kind of stuff to me? It brings up painful memories.”This was in black text when it should be in greentext
>“When I walked in… Do you do that sort of thing regularly?”See above.
Don't have much to say, this was an alright read, minus Anon's reason for leaving Ponyville. You never expanded on it throughout the story.
Is this part of a multi-parter? Because it seems like it is. If so, I would like the lin-oh wait, I already have the link to your pastebin.
>checks pastebin>Finds nothing related to this story>...The lack of expansion is inexcusable.You could squeeze in something vague if you don't want to reveal it too soon, like
>The dreadful memories about that damn Pegasus pour into your head as you walk into town.>..."No! Fluttershy, stay back!"
>You walk backwards, and end up backing up into a wall.>Crap.>"Don't worry, Anon. Once you finally give in, you're going to love me...">She pushes you down, taking advantage of the fact she had drugged you beforehand.>"Pucker up...">...>You shudder and try to expel said horrors from your mind.Just...try to do something about it. If it's going to be a recurring theme, then just slowly reveal bits of Fluttershy's horrifying treatment of Anon throughout the story(remember, it could be multiple things, not just a sexual lust). If it's not, then just give the whole thing away. This seems like taking advice from the former would be good, but it's your story. Just think about what I'm saying.
